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Sex is a very personal and private matter. Many parents find it difficult to talk with their children about sex. Teens may be too embarrassed, not trust their parent's advice, or prefer not to talk with their parents about it. But sex is an important topic to talk about.  

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Adolescence can be tough enough to get through without questions of sex, sexuality, and sexual identity. But adolescents are humans, too — no matter how alien they may seem to their parents at times. Openly addressing the all-too-human questions of sexual development, sexual desire, and the nature of the adolescent's developing sexual identity are critical. Sharing factual information with and giving good moral guidance to your teenager is a vitally important part of helping your teen understand herself or himself. It can help your child avoid devastating, and possibly life-threatening, errors in judgment.  "Above all, it is critical that parents be truthful, honest, and available to their children," says Charles R. Wibbelsman, M.D., FAAP, Chief of Adolescent Medicine at Kaiser Permanente in San Francisco and a member of the American Academy of Pediatrics' Committee on Adolescence. "Parents often have their own agenda — don't do this and don't do that. But they need to take a step back and leave the judgments aside for this discussion," says Warren Seigel, M.D., FAAP, Chairman of the Pediatrics Department and Director of Adolescent Medicine at Coney Island Hospital, Brooklyn, N.Y. "The most appropriate and important thing for a parent and a child or adolescent in dealing with questions about sexuality and sexual health is an open channel of communication."

Sex-Education-for-Teens

The Messages They Get:  In today's hyper-sexualized culture of Internet sites, mass media entertainers, and 24/7 programming, the traditional "birds and bees" lecture (or pamphlet handed to the child to read on her or his own) on reproductive basics is completely inadequate. Carefully preparing children for the normal changes in their bodies as well as the endless assault of peer pressure, media glorification of irresponsible sexuality, and advertising come-ons is the only way to create a sense of security for parents and children alike.  "There are a lot of things in the media that are not appropriate for a particular age," says Dr. Wibbelsman, who is co-author of The Teenage Body Book and Growing and Changing. "We don't put children on the street and wish them luck before sending them out on their own. We hold their hands. We educate them about the risks. And we trust them with increasing responsibility only as they're old enough and show they're ready to handle it."  The following tips may help make talking with your teen easier:

Be Prepared: Read about the subject so your own questions are answered before talking with your teen. Practice what you plan to say with your spouse or partner, a friend, or another parent. This may make it easier to talk with your teen when the time comes. Speak calmly and clearly.

Be Honest: Let your teen know that talking about sex isn't easy for you but that you think it's important that information about sex comes from you. And even though you would prefer that your values be accepted, ultimately decisions about sex are up to your teen. If your teen disagrees with you or gets angry, take heart, you have been heard. These talks will help your teen develop a solid value system, even if it's different from your own.

Listen: Give your teen a chance to talk and ask questions. It's important that you give your full attention. Try to strike a balance. While teens need privacy, they also need information and guidance from parents. If your teen doesn't want to talk with you about sex and tells you that it's none of your business, be firm and say that it is your business. Your teen should know that you're asking out of love and concern, especially because there are potentially harmful situations. If your teen is quiet when you try to talk about sex, say what you have to say anyway. Your message may get through.

Ask For Help: If you just can't talk to your teen about sex, ask your pediatrician; a trusted aunt or uncle; or a minister, priest, or rabbi for help. Also, many parents find it useful to give their teens a book on human sexuality and say, "Take a look at this, and let's talk."  Parents often fear that if they talk about sex, their children may want to try it. Teens are curious about sex, whether you talk to them about it or not. Studies show that teens whose parents talk openly about sex are actually more responsible in their sexual behavior. When it comes to something as important as sex and sexuality, nothing can replace your influence. You are the best person to teach your teen about relationships, love, commitment, and respect in what you say and by your own example.

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